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| its happening again....
its a jinx......
question : am I the jinx?
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| some people said, hope kills.
to me hope keeps me alive.
thats why I did something yesterday that I think should been do it long time ago.
I went to temple to pray.
I thank God for the 7th month has been pass without any major incident among my family and friends.
except one...rest in peace little one..
I pray for all my family and friends and people around me to be safe, happy, settle their problems soon and be happier.
So many bad things happened during the past few weeks around me.
Unstable relationships, breakup, sickness, family problem, too many heartache for a month.
I really pray and I really hope everyone will get through it soon.
and I hope everyone will tell me their happy story instead of their problems...
what a selfish person of me :)
as for myself....and please friends dont ever think that im that strong.
cause i aint..
Im not a person without a feeling.
its just that I hates to see sorrow around me.
if my ears and my presence can calm my friends, then i ll give it all i can.
nobody ever see my sorrow.
nobody ever ever see my tears.
and they will never do.
i just hope one day i will die with PRIDE and without regrets for being weak to my emotion.
as for One person i just wanna tell him "be happy for whatever you wanna do. dont make the same mistake.i ll always be here if you need me."
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| hey S, since you are the only who respond to my blog = =
let me ask u a thing....
do you think im a philosopher?
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| I met this guy through the group that I'm hanging around with all this while (so called the gamers society)
Well I knew him way way back but I just never talked to him.
One day, one of my friend asked me and him to have a couple of beer so thats how we started to communicate.
So somewhere between February this year, he just suddenly pop up everyday and we treat him like as one of ours.
No offense but my friends kinda picky in choosing a new member ><
Somewhere around few months back, i started to hang out with him and another friend.Just 3 of us out of our group.
Well apparently, he and the other dude has a business that are not supposed to be known to the rest of the group.
I didnt know why am I chosen to be the part of it, anyway as usual I ll always be more than happy if a friend can trust me for their secret.
I feel appreciated. I feel that Im not a nobody.
From three of us, suddenly it became just the two of us.
I could say that he woke me up almost everyday, asking what did i wanna do, what did i wanna eat for the day bla bla.
So we started to hang out every single day doing anything we could think of except hanging around the gaming society.
He told me a lot of things. About his first love, how he feel that I'm so comfortable to talk with, how am I a good and honest person to him.
I think in my heart I always convince myself not to fall for him because from my judgment, he is a very unpredictable person. So i didnt want to put my hope high.
And I lost.and i just didnt wanna admit it.
We had a good time together, talked alot of things, sharing knowledge, and he taught me alot of things.
One day when I woke up, he didnt wake me up as usual. I thought he was just busy doing something.
So i didnt think more of it and just had my day as usual.
But it turns out that he was avoiding me slowly, and stop talking to me or even stop looked at me in the eyes.
I asked him what happened and he said "I just couldnt tell you. and im sorry"
My pride forced me to let him do whatever he want and just move on with my life.
But the knife is going deeper and deeper inside.
Did i do something wrong? Did i say something wrong?
I cant believe it that after we were that close he could just woke up one day, open his eyes and decided not to talk to me anymore without telling me the reason.
The curiosity is killing me inside out.
but as usual my pride makes me never show my sad face in front of others.
I ran myself to alcohol and sleeping pills.
Im trying not to go deeper than that cause i ve been through alot more worst than that.
Im telling myself that I am mature enough to know drugs is not helping when im down.
One day when he was drunk enough, suddenly he text me with the apologize word for so many times.
I told him I cant forgive anything since i dont even know what should i forgive about.
He just left me here without any explanation and just keep on apologizing.
so i keep on talking to him until he drove home safely cause i knew he drank more than he could.
and the worst part is my friends is also his friends. so whether like it or not i still gotta see his face.
and this weekend is one of our friends birthday.
me and him was invited.
and for the past few days i think i almost pull all my hair out just thinking should i go or shouldnt i.
it will be a freaking awkward situation for me and him being in the same room having a party wouldnt it since he doesnt wanna talk to me anymore.
on the other side if im not going, that means i .....
i dont know maybe im not mature enough, or i lost to my ego.and also i will feel guilty since my friend invited me himself.
and the question still popping in my head day and night.
should I go or shouldnt I?
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| its been ages since my last blog (last year ><)
alot lot of things happened
the good one and the bad one
but i learned alot of things from that
be patience and
even if you treat your friend like a God doesnt mean he/she will do the same thing to you.
theres an old saying, i forgot the exact quote but it means something like
treat people around you with respect and you ll gain the respect for yourself.
i dont think its true.
well of course not everybody having that behaviour.
there are some good people that still treating me the same way as i treating them.
i met alot of different people since the last time i stop blogged.
people who treat you like a queen in a sec but at the same time will treat you like a worm in their stomach in just one blink without notice.
people who judge you before talking to you by hearing from their own circle.
people who full of denial and never feel guilty.
people who will always understand my mood and accompany me without saying a words.
people who trust in me and appreciate me eventhough we just talked for a few times.
people who dont discriminate me for being silent and shy in the first meeting.
people who still treat me as a friend even if i dont have any talent.
people who still willing to go ktv with me eventhough if i sing with horrible voice.
people who will always help me and teach me even if i slow in the learning process.
its not that im trying to be angel but "hate" never occur in my heart these days.
"low self esteem" and "not confident" are the only things that i felt when they reject me.
am i that horrible as a person?
if i am then why did they spoke to me in the first place?
or maybe just one day when i woke up, suddenly my body produce a disgusting odor... = =
oke thats lame.
unfinish talk is very disturbing.
what am i supposed to respond when people around me asking "whats happening between you and him?"
is it my fault for Him to create me without any outstanding talent?
im sure He create me with something special that i have to figure out one day.
anyway i still love my friends.
friends is my family here.
they mean alot to me (not because im being sensitive)
and i know some people understand me and will be there when i need them
God bless all of you.
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